We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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