fuck your aforementioned shoe
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
