I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize