you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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