Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Green mimosas i think yes
Every concussion has its silver lining
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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