dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
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