No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
