The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I wear drunk well.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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