You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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