So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
