i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
All I want is dick and wine.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
