I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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