So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
