I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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