I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
