I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
