Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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