Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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