I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Enjoy the penises
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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