Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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