I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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