youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
