Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
