My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
