she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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