I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
