if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
