Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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