sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize