pop tarts are not kleenex
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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