I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
