i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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