Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
