I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
