it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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