It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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