he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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