Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
