people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
