Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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