Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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