My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
you never un-have a 4some
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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