He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
