you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
