Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
