chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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