So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
