you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Sorry my hands just texted you
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize