i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
