I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
