I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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