2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
