When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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