I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
