Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
All the doctor said was why
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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