Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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